IMMERSION

View the NFT piece HERE

“I knew you were gay before you came out”, one of my good friends said on one summer drive to the Jersey Shore.

I was too afraid to tell them about who I was, back then, in fear they would banish me from the group. I was too young to realize these rational irrational fears would consume my young adult life. 

I kept to myself throughout college, even refusing to come out to my fraternity brothers when I joined one as a freshman. I wanted them to treat me like how they would treat their cisgender members, not shying away from casual spitting of slurs that would not work in our time today. But back then, I wanted them to try and verbally hurt me in hopes I would come out “stronger than yesterday”, as one pop princess echoed in one of her songs. I buried myself in schoolwork, collegiate and philanthropic work, since I didn’t know any better, and I felt out of place.

I explored my sexuality and had relations with women then, too, while still knowing I was far more attracted to men. I’m certain my peers could attest (if you ask nicely) that they may have seen me with a few them at one point or another. “It comes with the territory of being in a fraternity”, they said. A desire to belong, I risked not showing people who I truly was, until I was already a member of that social club. That nauseating fear I experienced during my early childhood crept up to when I finally came out to them. Nightmarish imagery of being lost haunted me, and I ended up in an echo chamber of self-doubt, regret, and resentment only because I was existing around people who didn’t understand me. 

“Note To Self: IMMERSION” encapsulates my younger self looking at that blinding light while in the dark. I took this photo of a good friend in Philadelphia, as we danced the night away.