View the NFT piece HERE
It was on April of 2010 when I came out to my family as a gay man
— I was 21 years old when I inadvertently revealed to my mother that I have been hiding my true self since I was young enough to know I had feelings for boys. It upended everything around me; my world shook uncontrollably. But what struck me was the look of fear on her face of unseeing what she saw, and the consequential words she said that followed:
“No man will ever love you.”
Being queer has always been a taboo back home. I saw the amusing looks my gay uncle got from people we didn’t know. I heard things about gay men within our tight-knit community. These men would either be in abusive relationships, get beaten, get involved with drugs, or worse.
I was born and raised in the Philippines. I had a good childhood, minus the fact my father traveled for about six months to Japan, while my mother stayed home to take care of her children, while managing her own dance company. I was surrounded by powerful women, all yearning for better lives. They were dancers, entertainers, singers, and hostesses, leaving their own families behind for months at time as Overseas Filipino Workers (OFQW). They were all hardworking women, looking up to my mother as their beacon of strength, perseverance, and sacrifice.
Lina is one of the youngest children of eight — she was a firecracker as a young girl. I’ve been told stories about her almost always being in trouble, being a passionate and sassy young woman, and an ambitious one, too. Her friends comprised of men and women, particularly gay men. She has a gay brother too, after all. But most importantly, she deeply loved my grandmother. One of the things she always reminded me went along the lines of, “I stopped college to raise you, and take care of your grandmother”, or , “I sacrificed everything for you [children]”. To this day, I could never give her enough credit for that.
She wanted to protect me from harm. She did her best to keep me within her proximity, away from the humiliation gay people experienced. She thought, by hiding my true self from everyone, that I would be at a better place.
When I developed, “NOTE TO SELF: A Study In Duality”, I wanted to curate a selection of photographs that represent my placement in society, and personal experience as a gay man. I’ve never really discussed it at great length, nor have I ever focused on this photo story in my life. The times I’ve locked myself out from everyone, the moments I have thought of worse things to do with myself, and the ever-lasting search for belonging, love and acceptance. I hope that with this transformative collection, it would resonate with anyone who’s been shuttered away from what could have been their truest and fruitful life.
This is specifically dedicated to all the queer brown boys who have yet to come out. May this image be a reminder that when you do, you will realize you HAVE space in this world, and that people are waiting and ready to love you.
